60 days of isolation

During this period I have lost the sight of what is truly important. I forgot what and why I was doing.
Instead of continuously taking care of myself, i lost the sight, routine and let the stress and than apathy to take over.

I need time to reassess what and why I need and how I will keep me engaged so that I do not lose this sight again.

I forgot that I am important. I forgot that I need to improve myself and not just my language abilities.
I got distracted by a growing discomfort and irritation I started to have against myself.

No wonder I turned into a distant person putting up the brave front and then rolling up a ball of emotions and worries. I was no longer in charge of myself. I need to change that.

Indoors for 35 days

It has been quite a challenge. :)

It started with a cancelled vacation trip due to the lock-down and was accompanied by a week long construction right above me and in front of my balcony.
It was a week of loud sounds and closed curtains for the most part of the day.

What I learned was that my cats have their ways to cope with that:

• the independent Kyrie (Short from Valkyrie) turned into the blanket shark
• the insecure Pandora and Gata resolved to sleeping within my reach

The next was my remote work week. I felt energized for it. i could get all the sunlight and no more construction sounds. I felt blessed.

Lesson learned - We are very particular creatures - we determine things in comparison. When you experienced bad and annoying - the small improvements with the discomfort causes makes it feel normal (even if there are still of other issues. It is the same as resolving the annoying pains to users of the software, the simple ones that do not need weeks of development and testing time. Resolving a daily "pain" helps users to cope with the other issues better. Especially if they do not need to do 20 things for one form - where 5 would suffice perfectly.

Then it was 2 weeks of sick. That´s where all of my routines went "out of the window".

I learned with this one to accept that things like that happen. Forcing yourself to do things when your body and mind is struggling, won´t always bring the desired victory. Being able to rest, then assess and gradually adapt towards the victory is a very effective way of life. The beauty is in the little things. The small step, the gentle smile, tiny experiment, time to reflect, giving yourself the second and third chances, when the outcome is not entirely solid, switching things up, writing things down, comparing and analyzing the actions and feelings. I have not discovered a better way to learn more about myself and my capabilities when I am at my weakest.

Current week I feel I am coming back to the senses (having a job that can be done remotely is immense luxury in these days. This week I learned I have developed Anxiety for being outside and away from home. I am assuming that it´s the combination of not being able to feel safe to take deep breaths with a mask on, and amount of people in my neighborhood that do not wear masks. Another factor is that my immune system is not from the strongest without my regular walks.The cherry on top is having an autoimmune condition. I am fine with looking like I am overreacting. I do this for my own well-being. Don´t like it, don´t get in my way then. As simple as that.

Outlook into the future so far is:

• All vacation plans got cancelled, even ones in mid June, bunch of vouchers and no clarity when they could be used again. It is still ok so I plan to not worry about it. 
• I will need to rebuild feeling safe outside, but that will come long after the lock-down is lifted and stats are indicating no active cases

I felt I wanted to write this, so I this!

Stay safe and take good care of yourself, body and soul!

Reminder I need more than ever :)

Little unicorn - it is okay to be yourself

Once upon a time there was a little unicorn. Cheerful and energetic with no care in the world. 

At some point this colour explosion encountered a world where people have to comply and never stand out without a good reason.

After a while even the unicorn started to get all gray to the point it forgot what it is. Days grew heavier and colours faded. Only joy was the night sky with stars and the warmth of the moonlight.

This will not the story of sadness :)

This will be my story of realization that it all can be better and that it is not wrong to be a unicorn.

P.S.
I still struggle to write things online. There is a magic in pen and paper. With that said - I still hope to convey my thoughts and beliefs on how interesting yet also fairly complex.

I've spent a year on my mental recovery and I've learned a lot.

I improved even more.
We have went:
From - "If I do not see it, it does not exist"
To - "You know what?! The one within actually wants to come out and play"
And all the way up to: "Hi there my lovely demons - "I will not run! Wanna hang out? I have time for you"


It is a long journey still up ahead and I feel ready :)

Your @alt_lv